I don't know what my problem is

but I'm really, really self-conscious. I always have been. I actually used to be worse, if you can believe it. Everything I say or do, especially to people I don't know that well or (though it's embarrassing to admit) people I want to impress for whatever reason, is tempered and thought over and often regretted. People often think I'm shy, or retarded. I'm not. It's just that my brain is too sluggish to competently carry out the task of mulling over everything I say, and I only think of appropriately brilliant comments long after my window of opportunity has passed. I cannot keep up with conversation. So I usually just listen and smile stupidly, blissfully unaware that this does not make me a valuable contributor to any discussion. I can go for absurdly long stretches of time saying absolutely nothing, but being completely engaged and involved. And when I do try to throw out something, it is often inappropriate or confusing and usually falls flat. I imagine my attempts at conversation make people feel uncomfortable and sad. It's like a hamster without legs trying to run on a hamster wheel. It's horrible and embarrassing to watch, but what can you do? You let it keep on trying.



Also, I worship at the feet of Paul Messaris. He my idol and a demigod and I have a huge, huge, creepy crush on him.