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I HAVE FIGURED OUT THE SOURCE OF MY MASSIVE WEIGHT GAIN. ALL OF THE CALORIES THAT FORMERLY CAUSED MY WRITING TO BE CLEVER AND WITTY HAVE SOMEHOW BEEN REROUTED TO MY WAISTLINE, CHEEKS AND THIGHS. ON THE PLUS SIDE, MY CLOTHES FIT BETTER AND I CAN SOMETIMES REARRANGE MY ARM FATS TO MAKE THEM RESEMBLE BICEPS WHEN I AM BORED.